Much Afraid and Stupid
Right now I feel a lot like the character “Much Afraid” from Hind’s Feet in High Places. I feel like I am standing on the mountain top looking down at the valley below. I see where I want to go, but I also see some very dark and painful places that are not clear.
I see the end of the road where my family is restored very close to what it was before all these things occurred. I just hope that what I see is not just a pipe dream of my own making and that it truly is from the God of Heaven and Earth. This image has stuck with me so much since the earliest part of June 2009. It has been persistent and continual ever since I was reminded of that scene by another male going through much the same type of situation I am right now.
I see some very dark, hurtful, and even painful times that are probably on the way, though I am really struggling to keep the focus on the end result rather than the momentary.
I also hope that what I feel and see turn out to be reality when the time is right. It feels like I have so much on me that I am overwhelmed by it all. Yet at the same time, I feel often that I can endure it though I can’t say I can endure it like Christ himself did for me. I am human and I have basically created my own mess by my own choices, decisions.
Admittedly they were made based on information that I did not possess at the time they were made, otherwise, I’d not be where I am now. I can’t help but wonder why didn’t I pay more close attention to my spouse when certain statements were made? A couple of them were, “Please get rid of that thing, we don’t need it anymore.” Why didn’t I listen?
I was being stupid and selfish is the only answer I can come up with at the moment. Though at the same time, was I truly and fully selfish? I am continually asking myself this same question all the time lately. Most of the answers end up in a resounding form of, “Yes, dummy you were stupid”. The others seem to fit in the grey areas where I do not have a lot of experience.
I have to wonder if my spouse is even bothering to read what I have placed on here. I put it out here to act as a form of confession of my own stupidity.
I may be intelligent, but I am also quite stupid at the same time.
Father God,
You do know what I need the most right now and you know how to get me where I am to be. I am trying to find a place where I can begin to take care of what I have pushed off for so long. I am asking that if this place I am applying to be is where I am supposed to be, please open the doors. I ask if these things are in Your Will to let them be done and help me endure what I must during each day. Give me the strength for each day that I need to get through.
12 Roses and Reasons
12. Out of all the people on the earth you chose me, Thank you
11. Your personality and abilities are complimentary to the weaknesses and strengths I possess
10. A source of strength you have been for our family
9. You have given birth to three wonderful children
8. You have been faithful in your words and actions from the beginning
7. You are a strong person who can do anything you set your mind to do.
6. You are capable of accomplishing amazing things
5. Your ability to endure bad things with a smile
4. This rose is for the future, unknown and unseen.
3. This rose is the forgiveness that you’ve given me.
2. This rose is for the vows and commitment made when we were first married
1. Above all these roses, you are the most beautiful one
Origin of Bellepheron
“How did you come up with Bellepheron?”
In the past, I have been asked how and where did I come up with the avatar name of “Bellepheron”. Prior to 2001 I was using another nickname, but not a picture avatar as the technology just wasn’t really taking off yet. As I will explain in a moment, I basically decided to dump the older nickname in favor of a new one. I do want to emphasize that the dates mentioned here are approximate and are not exact by any means.
Bellepheron’s Origin
Pre-2001
I was using other game aliases and more into actual IRC style chats than I was online-gaming. Though I have been gaming since I was 7 yrs old on an old Commodore Vic20.
2001
Bellepheron: The name had little meaning to me when I first got it from Random Name Generator from the Macintosh only game Cythera made by Ambrosia Software.
I played Cythera for a long while before I basically got bored of it and gave up even after applying hacks to the character file to see what happens. My Cythera days were all of approximately 9 months total playing about 1 hour a day. Here are some Cythera Screenshots to see what the game is about.
Oct 2001
Around this time, I ran across Runescape for the first time approximately. Unfortunately at this point in time, I had no way to really play the game as my mac had its unfortunate meltdown as described elsewhere on this site.
My interest in Runescape at this point lasted maybe 3 months at most and I didn’t get very far in the game before I was forced to stop due to circumstances at home, life, and other crazy stuff.
2002-2004
Stumbling around the internet for an online game to play, I ran across Vagabond’s Quest by Netdragons. VQ+ is a text based, adventure, RPG where you have a class you choose for your character, and you work your way to becoming the best of the best. I played this as much as I was, and dared, to play.
It was the beginning point of my interest in RPG as a game playing choice. I was playing VQ+ on a borrowed computer so I was only able to save my BellepheronCharacter Info sheet when I was forced to quit by the computer’s owner. Keep in mind the data is still good, but has long since expired. I was only able to complete a “Save As HTML” of the file. I do not have access to the images so ignore them.
As I was playing, VQ+ I was told that my character name was also from Greek Mythology. I found this something very interesting as I did study Greek Myth in High School but, I completely forgot about Bellepheron and the Chimera.
2005-2007
I was only able to play Xbox, Gamecube, Standalone PC games during this time as I only had a computer for a while, until the system crashed. It was too slow of a computer and had to use dialup connection to do anything. This computer was so bad it couldn’t barely play Blizzard’s StarCraft or EA’s Return of the King.
2007-Present
I was working with my spouse at a nearby Walmart. I was in the back, she was up front. We did this for just over 10 months, Around January of 2007, I was force to make a choice between my children’s caregiver and my job.
Even though I do admit, there were mistakes made on my part, I suspec there were mistakes also made on my caregiver’s part. It was this that lead me to the decision to become the stay-at-home parent.
My spouse’s position was higher paying than mine and provided the majority of our income. My pay was only covering the co-pay for or caregiver subsidy we recieved from our local county assistance office.
Even though circumstances forced the decision, the decision has become my own regardless. At first, we didn’t have anything but the TV to entertain my children so, day in and out, I was watching childrens programs during the day and other stuff during the evening hours. As any parent can attest, children’s programs repeatedly played can be very annoying.
Thanks to the Income Tax refund we were able to get a very nice laptop to be shared as well as cable internet access. I was looking for a couple of things:
- Something that would require time to do
- It had to be an online game
It was this and remembering Runescape that I made the decision to sign-up again. It has been a year since I began playing and you can look for yourself at my Runescape Character Info. I have all the goal stat bars, and stat WebSigs for all my current skills.
Hello world!
Welcome to my small blog on the internet, Please be patient as I’m working out the kinks and bugs of this site and hope to have it running very soon.